This month's PAC-UK guest blogger has chosen to remain anonymous. A huge thank you from all at PAC-UK for sharing your personal experience in this guest blog.

I’ve always had strong feelings that I’ve found hard to express and I recently had a small epiphany that might go a small way to unravelling the beautiful human messy ball that are my emotions.

When I was a small child I had reoccurring strange mild nightmares that would wake me. The two dreams either could be described as the world (my room) being upside down and I was a tiny ant like creature walking along the endless skirting board... The other one was even more abstract and I was literally nothing - in a big black vacuum of empty space. As far as I remember I dealt with these dreams alone and probably wouldn’t have been able to articulate them if I’d have wanted to.

As a teenager I dabbled in many drugs and I now see a clear connection in relating to those feelings of being untethered and floating away in my mind - heaven knows I’m lucky to be alive and did live to tell the tale. But all the wildness of my young days was a reflection of how I felt inside.

As an adult I’ve often had a feeling of emptiness and it’s finally occurred to me that I’ve been confused for years due to the way I’ve verbalised the feeling to myself.

Because it feels empty to me I’ve assumed there’s nothing there and felt awkward around the feeling, waiting for it to pass which it inevitably does.

I’ve realised the feeling is big, huge, massive and of course it makes me feel awkward and anxious! It’s a feeling of being untethered to the universe, a feeling of not being part of things, a feeling of being nothing. A feeling that you can get when you have been abandoned by your mother - who in the natural order of things should protect, nurture and cherish you.

Can you imagine being able to take those feelings for granted - how magical and special that would be?

I first had these feelings during my non-verbal stage so naturally it’s been difficult for me to understand them intellectually and express them verbally.

Writing this short guest blog for PAC-UK is a tiny step in the long road to my self-recovery and healing.

Anonymous | March 2020

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This blog is the thirteenth of our monthly 'guest blogger' platform which we started in 2019. We would love to hear from adoptees, birth parents (and relatives), adoptive parents/carers, special guardians and professionals who are interested in taking part in future blogs. If this interests you please email